Under my skin

I'm so sick. So, so sick. Of all of this. Period.
I am so very much on the verge of just saying "screw it" and forgetting all of this.
Moving on with my life.
Ignoring it.
Because why waste your time on someone who doesn't want you? Who doesn't think that now is the right time to focus on you?
Why focus on them?
Why be around them, just to get hurt over and over?
Why bother?

The thoughts keep running through my head.
"Screw this."
"Forget it."
"I'm done."
Easy to think, easy to say, not so easy to do.

This sucks. I can say that for sure.
I'm tired of trying, tired of getting hurt, tired of being let down, pushed away, told that now isn't the right time to focus on this.

I'm tired. So very, very tired. Of everything.

It's such a hard thing, to rely on God right now.
Because as much as I try to do it, I don't think that he is. He can't be.
Because you just don't hurt someone that you claim to love like this. You just don't.

I do not understand God's ways.
But is this really what He wants? I mean, seriously? This?
I'll pray about it. Because really, what else is there for me to do?