Move Along

I feel like shit.

The entire ride home from church, I tried to think of a way to rephrase this in order to avoid profanity. So, I made a list of adjectives that could substitute for "shit" in this sentence.

• miserable
• angry
• hurt
• betrayed
• cheated
• stupid
• etc.

And then I realized that when someone who doesn't usually cuss does, it evokes certain emotions in the person who hears or, in this case, reads it. People automatically know that, for some reason, this person is incredibly upset. And I realized that in this particular situation, "shit" is the only appropriate adjective, because it's the only one that explains how angry, hurt, miserable, betratyed, cheated, stupid, used, rejected, and completely and utterly destroyed that I feel.

There is nothing quite like having your heart broken. To anyone who hasn't experienced it, it is impossible to describe. And the worst part is that my eyes are constantly stinging with the knowledge that I have lost not only my boyfriend, but my best friend.

There's a very particular feeling that rises in your chest when you cry. It's like every emotion you could possibly be feeling culminates in your chest, lumps up in your throat and spills out through your eyes. And for lack of a better word, it feels like shit.

There is a part of me that really wants to walk away from all of this, to just say "fuck this" and move on. Because what's the point in loving someone who doesn't know if they'll ever be ready to love you back?

Then there is another part of me that wants to hold on, because my heart is overflowing with the feeling that we are supposed to be together. Because why would God bring us together, let us get so completely attached, just to rip us apart and never put us back together? I mean, seriously, that's not really how He works, right? But then, what's the point in trusting a heart than can be deceived?

And then there is a part of me that wants nothing more than to find a happy medium, to get on with my own life without dating anyone else, to keep on loving him, to wait. But waiting has never been my strong suit. And again, why wait for someone who doesn't know if they'll ever want to be with you?

It occurred to me that this is one of those times where I have absolutely no choice but to rely on God. Because if I try and get through this by my strength alone, I will fail. I will crash and burn like I am so prone to do. But trusting God is so hard, because it means that I might not get the outcome I want or expect. No matter how strongly I am convinced that we are meant to be together, I might be wrong. It is not my will that is going to be done, but God's. And that means that I don't know what's going to happen, and I might not like it. And knowing that this is completely and utterly out of my control is absolutely terrifying. To keep up with my favorite adjective this post, it scares me shitless.

Yet at the same time there's a certain peace that comes with knowing that I am being carried, that there is Someone out there who knew every intricate detail of my life before I was a thought in my parents' minds. He knew that this would happen. He knew I would get my heart broken again and again. And I know that He will always be there to put it back together. When I think on this, I wonder why it's so hard to trust God the way I know I should. Why am I so hesitant?

But I pray that I'll overcome this ridiculous insecurity and trust God to get me through this. Because I know that I can't do it on my own.