By your side

It's almost like there's a war going on inside of my head between what I feel and what I know is logical and good and right.
Because I want so badly to walk away from all of this and just forget it, to stop bothering to try and rely on God, to just completely give up. But then I remember Who is by my side.
And I am dying to stop defending my position and just let him have whoever he wants, because I'm almost convinced that this is an entirely uphill battle and he will never change, will never see it my way, will never stop wanting what he wants. Because I know that I can't change his mind, that I can't make him want to sacrafice something, that he has to do it himself. But then I remember that we are here for some greater reason, that all of these things are happening because they're meant to get us to some place that we need to be.
And part of me really wants to just screw this whole thing, to force myself not to worry about anything and just love him. But then I remember that I could never go on pretending that there isn't something wrong, that my heart doesn't hurt when he does certian things.

Sometimes I wonder if God has seriously just given up on me, us, and this entire situation. Because, I mean, nothing ever seems to work out right.
And sometimes I feel like maybe I should just give up on God. Because, I mean, where has it gotten me so far?
But my faith reminds me that God will never give up on me, and I wonder if maybe all of these things keep happening so that they can make us into different, better people.
And if he will never give up on me, who am I to give up on him?
Besides, to where would I run?

So, I was watching Lost last week, and there was this part just before Farraday's mother shot him, where Jack and Kate were crouched in the bushes discussing the pros and cons of making it so that the plane crash never happened. Jack was going on and on about the people they'd lost, the pain they'd been through, etc. etc. And finally Kate said, "It wasn't all bad."
To which Jack replied, "Enough of it was."

And I realized that that is what my faith has given me, that is what has come from this entire situation with David - disappointments, tough decisions, conviction, guilt, and a hell of a lot of heartbreak.
But with that came trust and friends and birthday parties and RichFork and my best friend and the deepest, most honest love that has ever been felt.
So when I wonder why I bother defending my position, getting myself hurt over and over, praying, reading the Bible, bothering to go to God, this is why.
Because it wasn't all good.
But enough of it was.